Life

It Feels Like That

2011-06-22T16:32:00.000-04:00

Pouring rain pounding upon your skin,
You ran out but should you run back in?
The puddle of decisions you just can't make...
It feels like that.

His lips touched yours and you felt so alive,
Without that in your life, can you survive?
You wonder this question every day...
It feels like that.

She said, "Yes," and the date's been set,
How high of a feeling can one get?
I know how she feels, like when he asked me...
It feels like that.

There is more to do but the clock says "bed,"
There are pages unturned yet to be read.
I'm dying to know if they end up together...
It feels like that.

The boy sounds it out, the boy can read,
He looks at the ceiling with eyes that plead,
"Help me, God, get better at this"...
It feels like that.

Standing at the kitchen sink the dishes call,
Water runs gently over a manmade fall,
Strong and demanding his arms wrap me in...
It feels like that.

He pulls me away and the fireworks flare,
Bursting lights filling up the air,
Breathe in, breathe out...
It feels like that.

Truth of It All

2011-06-19T20:39:00.000-04:00

Tonight I sit here pondering life like I do so often. I should be preparing for summer school as tomorrow is the kids' first day. I'll know by the end of the week if we have enough kids that I'll work for six weeks and if not, I guess I'll lay by the pool and read novels. So, anyway, I sit here pondering this whole dating scene. You email with people and they seem interesting enough and don't look like Shrek so you agree to meet for coffee. I've done this a few times over the last few weeks. I walk away each time not caring if I hear from the person again. It's not that they aren't cute. It's not that they aren't nice, smart, funny, interesting guys. The problem is on my end. I'm looking for some kind of connection. Some connection I had in a past relationship where my heart beat faster when my phone rang and I knew it was him. When I couldn't wait to get near him again so I could feel his arms around me. I want that feeling back again but I don't want the toxicity that went with it.

So, I search for that feeling that when I walk away at the end of the first date I get in the car and think to myself, "God I hope that guy calls me again." I'm learning to be tactful when asked out for a second date that I know I don't want to go on. It's so hard. I've yet to feel this way but I won't give up so soon. I think it can take time. I just thought of something as I'm typing this. Maybe it's not about the end result but about the ride of meeting new people and making friends.

Some of my friends think I'm brave for trying. Some say they live vicariously through me and my stories. Some of my married friends wish they were single with the freedom I have. At the end of the day all I have ever longed for since I left my marriage is a passionate relationship to share with someone I love. By passionate I mean passion for life, for love, for each other. I sit and ponder tonight wondering if I will ever feel that breathless feeling again. If I will even know it when it hits.

Some days I feel like I'm still catching my breath from a few years back. Letting go of a relationship that you never wanted to end makes it really hard to commit to a new one. It's hard not to compare, not to remember. That relationship wasn't a bed of roses and sometimes I realize that I romanticize the past but then I snap out of it and remember the truth of it all.

Brianna's 21

2011-06-18T14:52:00.002-04:00

Can you believe it? Her birthday was last weekend but she was off visiting her fiance in Ft. Campbell...so today we celebrate!

Decisions, Decisions

2011-05-17T21:43:00.000-04:00

You know...sometimes you meet someone and it seems "Oh so great," and then after some time goes by you realize the greatness is the newness of the situation and each person settles into who they really are. I'm active, can't sit down, and hardly ever stop thinking and planning. I thought for quite some time that I found someone who could keep up with me. I was wrong and tonight I'm feeling the sadness of ending something that seemed really great...but still I found it doesn't really meet my needs.

I've wavered on this decision for a while trying to figure out if it's just me or if it's just us and I finally realized it doesn't matter. It's just not exactly what I'm looking for and I don't feel at 47 that I'm ready to settle in to something that I am doubting. I think a relationship needs a certain chemistry or spark and so I will continue in my search.

Even though he saw us together until death, I felt myself pulling away. I think I'm looking for someone that will grab my hand and take me on the road, travel, jet skiing, scuba diving, to sporting events and someone that has a passion for life and, most importantly, for me. I honestly don't even care most of the time what it is I'm doing...I just like to go do things.

So, as I sit here alone pondering the next step...

Thanks, friends, for listening to me this last week or so as I made my decision and followed through. I really appreciate the encouragement!

Selfish...Who Me?

2011-05-04T22:15:00.000-04:00

So, Brianna and Will have decided to re-set the wedding date to what they originally talked about and deal with whether or not she is finished with school. This is exciting. She has wavered back and forth about transferring to UCF and finishing her bachelor's degree just to gain some different experience but unless he gets transferred there I think she will stay home and finish. But then again...who knows...she could change her mind again tomorrow. The cool thing is that she's allowed to. She doesn't really have to decide. The world won't end if she does or doesn't so she can take her time and figure it all out.

We are goin to FIU on Saturday to tour the college and see what Tyler thinks of the campus and the IT program there. I'm excited to go check it out. The USF visit a few weeks ago was great and I could definitely see him going there. I could also see him staying at home through his AA and then transferring somewhere else. At least he knows what he's interested in.

One day soon they'll both be on their way and some days I can hardly believe it.

I can't help but wonder what I'll be doing. I've finished this second master's degree and just submitted my paperwork for my last tuition reimbursement. I am considering actually reading a book for pleasure and not because it is required. I have a summer reading stack ready to go as soon as I get some time. I played catch up this weekend out in the yard doing some weeding and trying to tackle this crazy vine that is trying to infiltrate everything. I also finished up my portfolio and dropped it off at FGCU on Sunday so I should be totally finished with school work.

I need some relaxation in the chaise by my pool for some brain time because I am contemplating all kinds of interesting things at this point in my life. The oasis that is offered in my backyard provides this place for me that takes me away from the day-to-day grind.

I went to the gym after work today and found a different kind of solace. I worked out a little on the elliptical, biceps, triceps, the lat pull down machine (my favorite), and get this, I did 150 stomach crunches on that ab machine. I wonder how I'll feel in the morning. It's been way too long since I've taken this serious enough to make any headway and I'm thinking now I can get back into working out since I have finished school. So much to fit in on top of life and I find it easier if - well - if no one wants anything from me. It seems like my forties is a really good time to be a little selfish though I'm not really good at it, I am getting better.

I remember being called selfish in the past and I can't help but laugh because I am truly the farthest thing from it but I'll be damned if I'm not working on it!

Okay I think I'll Live

2011-04-23T11:15:00.001-04:00

My clock went off at 6 a.m. and I seriously thought to myself...what the...am I doing? I'll tell you what I was doing. I was getting up and getting ready and not quitting before I got started on my first 5K. It would have been ssssssssooooooooooooo easy to stay in bed this morning and stretch across my king size and fall back asleep in the quiet morning...me and the dog...but instead I went with the peer pressure knowing they'd give me such crap if I bailed. I drove to the church and parked my car and wondered again why in the world any rational person would be up doing this. I saw people, old and young, getting out of their cars and then I felt like I couldn't bail out. I had to go. Police were stopping traffic on Goodlette if you needed to cross over to the equestrian center that this 5K was a fundraiser for. If you were one of the first hundred you received a t-shirt for your pain and misery. ha

We started and a friend of mine from school is in about the same shape I'm in so I thought for sure I'd be able to keep up with her but I was wrong. I ran as long as I could until it felt as though my lungs might collapse and then I told her to go ahead and I walked until I caught my breath. Catching your breath is a great feeling but it goes away quickly as soon as you start running again. As I'm going along I'm praying, "Please Lord don't let me be the last one in." Vain? Selfish? Ignorant? Whatever! This encouraging lady was stationed near the one mile marker telling me it was a beautiful morning and that I was doing great. At this point I'm traveling alone and a speedwalker passed me. Not sure exactly what that is saying but I just kept on going. I mean, seriously...she was going really fast. Really fast!

When I hit the halfway mark some nice guy handed me a cup of water...I thought I was in love. When I hit almost the two mile mark I got a terrible charlie horse in my left calf and thought I was going to have to drag that leg across the finish line. I looked down the side streets wondering if there was a shortcut I could take back. Bad? Perhaps. Good idea? Perhaps? Necessary? No. I just kept right on going. It took a good half mile to get that pain to go away and the pain under my rib cage had already come and gone. Thirst was a distant thought and I was grateful for the shade.

The kind police officer around the 2 mile mark was sweet. The guy that came riding on his bike from the opposite direction to check on our progress was nice and told me I was doing a good job. The encouragement caused me to pick up my pace. My arms and legs felt like lead but I kept moving. Pretty soon I heard someone say, "Half mile to go." I thought, "I can do this." Then I saw a guy friend from my school and one of our students running back to get me. They encouraged me and told me I was doing great for my first time and I started running again. As I neared the finish line with them I heard someone yell, "Come on Hanson." I picked up the pace and crossed the line in just under 48 minutes. A terrible time but it was all mine. My prayers were answered I was far from the last one in but I was disappointed that I didn't do better. What was I thinking? I haven't run in forever and even when I did it was more of a walk/run. So, now at least I had a time. My friend that runs these all the time told me how he got started and that time is mine and mine alone and I am only competing against myself. Which leads into them all trying to get me to sign up for the one coming up in May. Lord, will I fall for this again? If I do can I beat my just under 48 time? Oh, so now I have a little motivation even though my legs hurt so bad right now I don't even want to get off of my couch. UUgghh! What would I give to have a garden tub to soak in or a hot tub? Anything! Everything! I'd give it all!

But I have neither so the couch will have to do.

Growing Up

2011-03-08T20:42:00.000-05:00

Tyler came home last night from his first day on the new job and he looked so grown up. Khaki pants and a black polo shirt and his name tag with his name already permanently affixed. The week of no electronics paid off quickly...perhaps even too quickly because the minute he got his job, I gave his electronics back since that was the deal. He learned, though, that he would not find a job by sitting in the confines of his bedroom filling out job applications online but rather by getting out there after that initial step and then going into each location to ask for a manager and drop off a resume. I kept trying to explain to him how important it is to put a face with a name, look them in the eye, shake their hand. It paid off. His second day out he scored a manager meeting who called the next day for an interview. At the interview he was hired on the spot. Yeah, Tyler! He's growing up. When I think back abou the kids being little some days it seems like it was forever ago and other times like last night it seemed I was looking at this young man coming home from work but at the same time I was seeing this little boy running around the house in his Thomas the Train slippers bobbing to and fro. Where have the days gone?

Life as I know it...

2011-03-03T07:00:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here on the couch this morning with my hot cup of coffee with the creamer that I enjoy being addicted to. I guess there are worse addictions. I went to bed not feeling good with a headache and the start of a sore throat. I have awakened feeling the same way. I just emailed Tyler's counselor about his senior year classes and while hitting send on the email it hit me. One day in the not too distant future, Tyler and Brianna are going to move out. I talk about it. I even joke about it how I'll use one of their rooms as an office and one as an exercise room. The reality of the situation though is that the thought of it makes me so sad that I want to cry. I can't imagine them not being here. My fridge and cupboards are full of junk food and baked ziti and homemade cookies. I love to cook for them. When they are gone what will be left? Yogurt and strawberries? Let us not forget the cheese - another addiction slightly worse than the first one I mentioned.

I go to bed alone and I wake up alone...but sooner or later the kids get up. The house becomes the noisy, talkative, video game playing, movie watching place that I love so much. What will happen when they aren't here to get up and hang out? What happens when someone no longer needs me to cook for them? The stark reality of the fact that my kids are turning 21 and 18 this year kind of frightens me. Oh, there is slight joy hidden in the back but moreso than that is a fear of what life will be like if they aren't around needing me. I would say that is probably a flaw of mine: I like to be needed. Not sure why. Another session perhaps.

I signed Ty up for his ACT last night and helped him look over the college pre-requisites for the program he is looking at (with my encouragement). He's having to grow up a little more this week. I've taken away his electronics until he shows some motivation for something other than his electronics. He needs to land a part-time job and he needs to do what is asked without being asked 3 or 4 times. This week has been a transitional week for him. I came home yesterday and he was out cleaning up fallen tree debris in the yard and he mowed the grass. He actually noticed that it needed to be mowed. His friend gave him an ACT study guide since he is done with it and told him since he is grounded from electronics this would be a good time for him to use the study guide. I couldn't help but laugh to myself.

Oh well, off to finish my coffee and get ready for work. I won a jeans day at work so jeans it is. I hate Thursdays for at least 6 more weeks. After that I will finish this second master's degree. I've already passed the Florida Educational Leadership Exam so certification is on the way. Life is good but some days it just feels a little too busy and I long for a rainy weekend curled up on the couch watching movie after movie with little else in mind.

Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

2011-01-11T18:14:00.000-05:00

I've thought about this one for quite some time. I realized that there is only one answer to this.

Myself. I made my own life hell.

It would be easy to blame it on someone else but the bottom line is I am the one that stayed. I stayed for love. I stayed for chemistry. I stayed because I thought it would get better. I stayed because I thought he'd change. I thought he'd see how great we were together...how we fit together like we were formed in the same mold. I thought he'd want to marry me. I thought he wanted to raise our kids together. I thought he wanted to take me away. I thought and I thought and I thought...and I dreamed some damn good dreams.

I kept myself in this hell for over a year after we broke up. I thought for six months that he was off working on himself and that he'd come back for me. That was until that December day that I saw her in the car with him...in my place. The same one I knew he'd been talking to...and it turned out to be the one he married. He moved on...I didn't. I couldn't. I was supposed to be with him. It's that line of thinking that tortures the mind and the soul.

I'm the one that made my own life hell. Only me...and I take full responsibility for it.

Someone who has made your life worth living for

2011-01-01T13:29:00.000-05:00

That's an easy one...Brianna and Tyler.

Something you hope you never have to do

2010-12-27T21:57:00.000-05:00

That's an easy one to answer. Late this afternoon I drove Brianna to the airport as she planned on hopping a flight to Atlanta and then to Philadelphia. Philadelphia was hit with a blizzard yesterday and I did not think she should go. My dad also did not think she should go just purely for safety's sake. She is an adult at 20 years old I could have put my foot down and demanded that since she live at home she follow my wishes and not go, but the bottom line is that she is a young lady in love with a grown man who serves our country. I don't think there was much that would have stopped her from going. She just texted me and let me know she made her connection. She also has to call me when she lands in Philadelphia and also when they arrive safely at his mom's house. I'm sure it will all be fine...but this brings to the forefront the one thing I hope I never ever have to do. I don't ever want to have to bury one of my children...like my own parent's have had to do. I pray the Lord takes me first.

Merry Christmas, Brett!

2010-12-25T13:16:00.000-05:00

Today we took my parents down to the beach to wish my brother, Brett, a Merry Christmas. We went to 4th Avenue South where his ashes were spread in the Mangroves last year. It's hard to believe another year has passed without him...but here we are. My mom cried and I held her hand. She said it never gets any easier. I only know that losing a sibling is the hardest thing I've been through and I cannot and don't ever want to fathom what it is like to lose a child.

This has been one of the most relaxing holidays I've had in years.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and hope your holiday is equally as wonderful!

Midnight and then some

2010-12-24T00:47:00.001-05:00

Okay, it's 12:30 a.m. and I'm home on the couch with my laptop. My parents are asleep in my room, as usual, I gave the room up for them and I sleep on the couch. Christmas is just around the corner and as much as I don't like giving up my king size bed I have to admit that my parents and I are having a great visit. The get together the other night was a blast when I had a few friends over to hang with mom and dad.

I look at every moment with them at this point as borrowed time. Some days when I talk to them they both seem great and other times they seem like they are just getting by physically and they worry me beyond belief. Already having lost Brett, I just cannot imagine at all losing one of my parents. I take this time that they offer on their visit and I soak it up like a sponge. I listen to every word my dad says: his advice, his laughter, his thoughts on my new puppy and how he can help me fix the fence so she won't get out. I listen to my mom talk about the neighbors, her friends, and her aches and pains. I listen. I listen intently. I listen effortlessly because my heart is there where their words are coming out...in the present. I don't want to look back and wish I paid closer attention and got what dad was saying. I don't want to look back and wish I paid closer attention to my mom and what her doctor told her. Tonight as I arrived home from a party I walked into my house where Brianna was waiting up for me and my parents were sound asleep. Ty was at his girlfriends and as I sit here typing, he arrives home hungry for lack of eating dinner.

My world is complete. My kids are safe at home, the puppy is in her crate. My parents are tucked in safely and the guy that loves me is across town resting peacefully after taking me to his office party. I had a great time and when I look back I can hardly believe that a year ago he took me to his office party and after only knowing each other for two weeks, he introduced me to them all as his girlfriend. He continues to be this kind of person. Someone that is thoughtful, kind, respectful, and so many wonderful things that sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure that I am really this lucky. He says he's the lucky one and who knows...it's just after midnight on the eve of Christmas eve and as I get ready to go to sleep I feel this joy and peace in my heart and for anyone that reads this...I hope you find the same.

Something you hope to do in your life

2010-12-24T00:31:00.000-05:00

What happened to the words of your Father
What happened to your own confidence
How can you look at yourself with
anything other than indifference

Did you wonder where it went
after you lost it all
Can you ever replace that feeling
No matter how big or small

Of course not...you can't
It's an impossibility
It was not something simple,
replaceable...it was indeed a rarity

So, something I hope to do
I'd like to forget about you
The pain you brought to my world
back when I thought I'd be your girl

I'd like to forget it all...
But I can't.

Something you have to forgive someone for

2010-12-17T06:43:00.000-05:00

I need to forgive my ex-husband, Dean, for his alcohol addiction.

I need forgive Nick for being abusive emotionally, verbally, and at the end, physically. As he spouted change and said I was the only one that didn't see his changes, the abuse got worse. There was change alright...just not the kind it takes to make a successful relationship. Ending this relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life...because even though someone has some really bad qualities you can also love their good qualities until it becomes your own undoing.

I forgive you both - though this forgiveness may not be needed by you.

Something you had to forgive yourself for

2010-12-15T17:33:00.000-05:00

I had to forgive myself for breaking up my 17 year marriage and tearing my family apart. I have had to continue to forgive myself for keeping myself in a toxic relationship that slowly tore me apart and had a negative impact on my kids.

Oh, and today was my birthday!

2010-12-14T22:46:00.000-05:00

Today I turned 47 years old. I admit that I'm not in a place today that I figured I'd be when I turned 40. At 39 years of age I met a man that I thought was the answer to my dreams. I wanted to share the rest of my life with him. I wanted to marry him and raise our kids together. I wanted to travel and laugh and well, all of the good stuff...with him. Now, it has been 7 1/2 years since I left my marriage and 7 1/2 years of growth and working through a learning process that made me realize that just because you have this immense chemistry with someone and love them with every ounce of your being doesn't mean they are worthy of your love. Someone has to respect you enough to be worthy of your love and if they don't...you aren't allowed to give it to them. See? Another year wiser. So, another year has passed. What do Jimmy Buffett and Martina McBride sing about?

Trip Around the Sun

Hear 'em singing Happy Birthday
Better think about the wish I made
This year gone by ain't been a piece of cake
Every day's a revolution
Pull it together and it comes undone
Just one more candle and a trip around the sun

Chorus:

I'm just hanging on while this old world keeps spinning
And it's good to know it's out of my control
If there's one thing that I've learned from all this living
Is that it wouldn't change a thing if I let go

No, you never see it coming
Always wind up wondering where it went
Only time will tell if it was time well spent
It's another revelation
Celebrating what I should have done
With these souvenirs of my trip around the sun

(Chorus)
Yes, I'll make a resolution
That I'll never make another one
Just enjoy this ride on my trip around the sun
Just enjoy this ride ...
Until it's done

Tonight I finish up my birthday. Thanks for the calls...each and every one of them. Some brought laughter while others brought tears. I look forward to many more. Hopefully they will all be relatively calm like this one. Full of hope, goodness, and joy.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

2010-12-14T22:29:00.000-05:00

God, I've been staring at this for about 10 minutes and nothing has come to me. And then five things came to me. And nothing worth writing could my mind settle on. Things like the fact that I gave birth to two wonderful kids...but that isn't really about me. Things like I loved someone so much that I lost myself. Things like I've learned to have a balanced life. Or, I'm pretty damn smart. It's not any one thing and I don't mean this to sound like I'm all about me, but I guess I could just say that I love myself. I love that I'm honest, I don't cheat, I love hard, and I don't give up easy. I love the fact that I attract some really great friends into my life and without them I wonder what the heck I'd do somedays! I love you all far more than I love myself! For you all, I'm so very grateful!

Day 1 Something you hate about yourself

2010-12-12T19:54:00.002-05:00

I hate the fact that I can't seem to say no to people. Oh, did I just say that?

30 Days of Truth

2010-12-12T19:53:00.000-05:00

Okay, Marlene. You started this back around October and I figure I'll pick up and give it a try.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Lyrics

2010-12-10T23:22:00.000-05:00

Someday

How the hell did we wind up like this
Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables

I wish you'd unclench your fists
And unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
Dont think its too late

Nothin's wrong
just as long as
you know that someday I will
Someday, somehow
gonna make it allright but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)

Someday, somehow
gonna make it alright but not right now
I know you're wondering when

Sometimes song lyrics hit me hard. This Nickelback song has always hit me and tonight I heard it again.

Bella Noche

2010-12-09T16:04:00.000-05:00

This is Bella.

Comfort

2010-12-09T15:55:00.000-05:00

I have hit this unbelievable level of comfort in my life. Not financially but emotionally.

Last night my kids, one of their friends, and my guy all came over to put the lights on our tree and decorate it. A few days before Tyler and I went to our typical pick a tree place "Home Depot" to get a tree. We took our new puppy, Bella, with us. She was tiny and fit in my coat popping her head up so strangers could ooh and aahh over her. She loves being at our house with a fenced in backyard where she can run around investigating everything imaginable. Never mind she's peed here and there as I work to train her and today she sort of ate my favorite black heels...but I still love her. So, anyway, Tyler and I were there struggling to pick out a tree since Brianna has had to work so much and could not join us we decided to go a sort of unconventional route. We decided on the type of tree and then we decided not to cut the ties open and look at it. We decided this year we were going to "take a chance." So, off we went with our "take a chance" tree in the back of his little truck. We got home and he cut it open and banged it so all the dead stuff would fall off. He and I got it in the house and put it in the stand. We stood back and admitted that it was probably the nicest tree we've had in 7 years which is how long we've been getting a real tree. It almost touches our ceiling and it is very full. With all of the lights and decorations on it I sat back and smiled. It was a peaceful evening of joy and laughter. No one fighting, no one is jealous, no one is angry. There is just peace in my house. This is the best present I could ever have.

Doubt

2010-08-30T20:46:00.000-04:00

Like an unwelcome stranger
Doubt invades the mind
Possibilities...if I look
What else would I find

What are we even doing here
Is this classified as lost
If we all settle in
Can we accept the cost

Did you get caught in your own web
Did you try to get away
Were you running from yourself
Do you wish you would have stayed

Would anything have changed
Does the anger still define
Did you drive yourself away
Oh those demons of the mind

You'll Know

2010-08-16T20:21:00.001-04:00

Breathe life into a stone

Make it feel not alone

When you can do this

You’ll know…

Smell the scent of her skin

Awaken her from within

When you can do this

You’ll know…

See the beauty in her eyes

Feed her mind your thoughtless lies

When you can do this

You’ll know…

Feel her body quiver

Memories that make you shiver

When you can do this

You’ll know…

Hear her tears falling down

Pounding loudly on the ground

When you can do this

You’ll know…

Whitewater Rafting

2010-08-13T19:50:00.000-04:00

We went whitewater rafting on the Ocoee River which flows northwest through the Appalachian Mountains. The water flow on the river is controlled by the TVA or Tennessee Valley Authority through the use of three different dams. The middle Ocoee that we rafted is considered a Class III and IV.

Here's a photo of rafters in the Ocoee from online that shows what some of the rapids were like. Rafting down this river was a blast and the only thing I would have changed is the length of the trip. Two hours on the water just isn't nearly long enough.

All rafting down this river did was increase my love of whitewater rafting. This was my third rafting trip. The first one was in Ohio Pyle just south of Pittsburgh. The second trip was up at Harper's Ferry and now the Ocoee. I'd go anywhere, anytime...I love it that much! It is so exciting and this last river was surrounded by beautiful scenery and mountains. It was awesome.

Today we went over to Blairsville to visit friends and they tok us to the country club for lunch. Great food and a great way to end the trip. Back to the cabin to pack up and be ready to drive home tomorrow. This week sure went fast and I had such a nice time but I am also ready to be home.

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N

2010-08-11T19:13:00.000-04:00

Somehow it seems that I have landed back up in the Blue Ridge area for my 2010 vacation. So many things happened on my last vacation up in this area that being here and driving on many of the same roads and through the same towns has brought back many memories, but I've been having a great time making some new and great positive memories. This is a photo of the beautiful cabin that we rented outside of Blue Ridge. The view is incredible. It has 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a pool table, hot tub, and three fireplaces.

As soon as we checked out the cabin we ran back out to go get groceries. The guy at the fish counter says to me, "I know you." I'm thinking, "Yeah right." He says, "I worked with you in Naples." We figured it out. He recognized me from when I was 19 years old and worked at K-Mart on North Tamiami Trail. So crazy. After he told me who he was and I saw past the gray hair and glasses I couldn't believe it. Here was someone 10 or 11 hours from m home that I knew in 1982 when I first moved here. So absolutely crazy!

Sunday we went over to Chattanooga and visited some friends of mine that actually live in Flintstone, GA. It was great to share a glass of wine and catch up with their world. My friend has just received her doctorate and continues to be a professor at a college on Lookout Mountain. We also found the Chattanooga Market which is a large outdoor market with crafts and a big section was the farmer's market.

Yesterday we went horseback riding. This was a two hour trail ride and was awesome. The scenery was so beautiful. The guide even took us across fields trotting and galloping. It's been since my teen years since I have ridden a horse that fast. It was very exciting.

Today we drove to Sweetwater, TN to a place called The Lost Sea. It is the largest underground lake in North America covering about 4 1/2 acres and ranging up to 65 feet deep. It was down in a cave system and they even have boat rides around the lake and the rainbow trout come up to the surface as they throw food in the water. It was a really worthwhile excursion. So cool. Check out the website at thelostsea.com. It's definitely worth the experience.

A few more days to go on vacation and then back to work on Monday. Tomorrow I'll be whitewater rafting. I can't wait. It will be my third time going. I hope it is an exciting ride!

Back to Normal

2010-07-31T13:47:00.005-04:00

My friend and I went to spinning class again yesterday...it was my second class. I loved it as much as the first day. Today though, my leg muscles are a little bit sore!

I was so excited this morning as we drove to the airport to pick up Tyler and Brianna from their North Carolina vacation. The house felt very empty for a solid week...strange. But they are home safe and that is all that matters! They had a great time riding intertubes down the river as well as behind a boat their dad borrowed. Mike and the kids drove back from Minnesota and spent the better part of the week with the kids hanging out and having fun up there. They went to a big waterfall and Brianna took tons of pictures that I can't wait to see.

This week gave me a feel for what life will be like when the kids move out and I have to admit I missed them so very much. I kind of can't even imagine them not being here.

Yesterday I went to see the movie Inception. If you haven't seen it yet...go. It is a mind boggler and that's all I'll say. Just the computer graphics alone make it worth watching.

Ah, the house is back to normal...what a good feeling this is!

Spinning - Oh My

2010-07-29T15:43:00.004-04:00

Well, this morning I got up bright and early and headed to my first spinning class. Let me just say that it was challenging both physically and mentally. I had a bite of breakfast prior to going and about ten minutes into the class I thought I was going to be sick. I talked to the instructor aftewards and she said to definitely eat prior to coming because you "can't drive on an empty tank."

We got there early and picked out our bikes and the instructor helped me get the seat to the right height, etc. The regular lights went out and then the black lights came on. The music started pounding and the peddling began. Fast, slow, stand up, sit down, position 1, position 2, and position 3. Seriously...ten minutes of this had me saying to myself, "You're going to throw up...you're going to throw up." Then I had to tell myself to stop talking that way to myself. Then I started saying, "You're NOT going to throw up." I slowed to a stop when the instructor yelled..."Don't stop peddling." I knew this wasn't cruelty being thrown across the room but rather for health reasons. If you are really exerting yourself and straining your muscles and then you just up and stop, your body can release lactic acid causing leg cramps so I kept peddling albeit a lot slower. A few minutes went by and I got my breath back and though at times it felt torturous at other times it was exhilerating and I couldn't believe I was actually doing it. The next thing I knew the instructor yelled...just two more songs. Wow, I couldn't believe I had made it through...this was incredible.

She mentioned when we first got there, not to judge spinning based on the first class but to come a couple times and then decide if you like it or not. I did really like it and have decided to go back again!

Living Life in Reverse

2010-07-26T15:47:00.004-04:00

Today I was reading some of my writings that I had printed, pulled down from my blog, and filed. They were writings from two years ago and were rife with pain and...well...more pain.

Some would say that our past makes us who we are today and I'm not sure I totally agree with that. Our past might help define who we've become but the reality of today is, we get to decide who we are. We aren't children being molded by our surroundings. We aren't slaves to a society of established norms that doesn't allow the freedom of expression.

Through a book I am reading I found myself posed with this question: Are you living your life in reverse?

You can interpret this question in as many different ways as there are people, but what the author of the book was referring to was "reliving" that same old pain over and over and over again.

This can be an easy thing to do...beat yourself up. The bottom line though is that this does no good. It doesn't change the past, and it won't change your future. You can try to numb yourself with any variety of things to make the pain go away but it won't work. The only way to make the pain go away is to feel it until you don't feel it anymore. Then you can finally look at yourself in the mirror and say, "It is done."

Those Self-Help Books

2010-07-21T08:09:00.002-04:00

I woke up this morning with a lot on my mind. I really have total strangers on my mind. I have listed a bunch of my textbooks on eBay to see if I can sell them and upon doing so I also decided to clean out some of those books on my bookshelf that have been collecting dust. The books I decided to clean out included a small collection of what would be considered self-help books.

I re-read these titles and it makes me sad to think about what I was going through when I needed these books and now I pass them on to some other women who find themselves in need of words in print because they can't seem to grasp direction from their own mind of what they should do, or perhaps like me their mind expresses loud and clear what needs done to preserve sanity, dignity, self-respect, soul...but you choose to ignore. So, as I was packaging up one of the books I flipped through the pages and read some of the sections that I had highlighted. One small section really stood out to me...even today. It was a section on why couples fight and the underlying reason is because there are unmet needs in the relationship. I laid here this morning reflecting back on the ending of the relationship that I never wanted to give up.

He had come back from a weekend away at Atlantic City and after a 20 or 30 minute ride home from the airport he told me the doctor had called him while he was in Atlantic City with the good news that his cancer had NOT returned. I asked him why he hadn't called me and shared that with me right after the doctor called so I didn't have to worry one minute longer than necessary. Ever since he'd been diagnosed with cancer all I'd done is pray for his healing and for our healing for that matter. Back to believing that everything happens for a reason I thought this was to be his turning point.

So, after we returned to my place I couldn't let it go. "How could you not call me to tell me to stop worrying...the cancer wasn't back?" Then this led to his comment, "I think we should just end this." Rather than downplaying the comment like I usually would I said, "I think you are right." And, well, in a nutshell...five years of wonder, learning, growing, traveling, having fun, laughing, curling up on the couch, watching movies, eating dinner at our favorite restaurant, and more came to a hard end.

Unmet needs? The root cause of fighting? I love how the author phrased it because I believe in relationships the author is spot-on. I have a need to be considered, loved, and respected. I do not have a need for someone not caring about my feelings, for someone to be in a relationship for five years with me and not consider me worthy of that important phone call. I realize now that if you are in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs, you have no business being in it.

Two years of reflection have netted me a new outlook. I won't be in a relationship that doesn't meet my needs or one that is emotionally/physically abusive. The self-help books are being shipped out to women in different states and I feel for those women. I hope they find some words within the books that bring comfort, but I hope they find the words within themselves that provide them freedom.

My phone still rings. I'm not sure why. I refuse to sink back down into the pain that answering the phone would bring. He's married - all the more reason he should not call. I've moved on and have learned to value the normalcy of my life with no fighting - all the more reason I should not answer. I think some people that come into our lives we get to hold in our hearts and love forever. We can love them forever and hold onto the dream and the memories, but also at the same time realize that it is not a possible reality.

So, off I ship the self-help collection. I no longer need them.

A House is a Lot of Work

2010-07-19T08:12:00.003-04:00

Owning a house means a lot of work. This morning I was laying in bed thinking about everything (past, present, and future) and nothing (meaning moments of serious nothingness) when I received a phone call from my handyman. Kenny had some options to lay out for me on my doors that need replaced and I listened and wrote everything down and told him I'd get back to him. Fiberglass doors, fiberglass doors with wood edges, steel doors, wood doors...ah the list goes on making my mind wonder what is the best option.

I wish my dad lived closer so I could pick his brain about all of this stuff...door choices. But I guess if I figured out how to get bids on a roof and hire a roofer, get the entire house with new carpet and tile, paint the whole place inside and out with family and friends, then I can figure out what doors to buy. While being the one to constantly make every decision can be empowering, it can also be exhausting.

After the doors, the next big project on this house that I want to tackle is the pool deck. I have not started looking into my options yet so if you know anyone that can make a nice pool deck, leave me a note!

Tyler and I will be mowing and weedeating today. Then off to buy lava rock to re-do those flower beds. There is something about sweating your ass off while working outside that is good for the soul. :)

Boating Trip

2010-07-16T13:27:00.008-04:00

Our day out on the water last month was like a dream. After just one day on the water, we came back feeling like we had all been on vacation. The day could only be described as: perfection. Marlene is here holding a horseshoe crab shell. Interestingly we found a perfect line of horseshoe crab shells from smallest to largest...like a little family. Check this out!

We drove down off of Marco and saw the Dome Home in ruins. The strangest thing is that years ago I had a newspaper article cut out on this home that showed the before and after pictures. The original photo showed the house prior to the storms and beach errosion. If you search online there are many articles and additional photos of this place. It is a really interesting story. The place is apparently a big hang out with boaters and there is all kind of graffiti written on the interior walls. This was one that caught my eye. I don't think of this quote and really think just about this house, but rather ones own heart. In relationships sometimes we do thoughtlessly tear down another's walls and leave ruins behind.

2 year Break-Up-Aversary

2010-07-09T21:19:00.002-04:00

Well, today is July 9th, 2010. It was two years ago today that Nick and I parted ways. Just reflecting on how something that started so great could end so wrong.

I believe in life that everything happens for a reason and in reflection I believe that I came out of that relationship as a more confident and content woman.

In the last year and a half I have worked on a second master's degree and have two classes remaining to complete it. This will open up additional career avenues in the realm of education.

I have recently met the nicest man who treats me better than anyone else ever has.

My kids are doing wonderful. Brianna is heading into her third year of college and Tyler will be a junior in high school.

Life is good, in fact, life is great. Occasionally though, one can't help but think back to the times in between the bad ones and reminisce about what you thought would be...though it never will.

Update on Blind Date

2010-06-23T16:42:00.006-04:00

Well, I have to say the blind date was a great success! Not that I matched two people but the four of us actually had a great time bowling and eating nachos and wings. She had a scare when he didn't show up on time but turned out he misunderstood and went to the wrong bowling alley. Now, it turns out that he has asked her out on a second date for breakfast and a walk on the beach tomorrow morning. No rockets glaring, but hey, maybe the two of them will become great friends or even more. He's such a nice guy and she's such a nice girl...who knows? Okay, I don't ever need to play matchmaker again so I guess I can kind of cross that off of my to do list. :)

Awesome Party

2010-06-13T10:24:00.004-04:00

Yesterday ended up being a really joyful day that ended very sadly. We had about 44 people show up to the dual-birthday bash for Brianna and Adam. The little kids swam in the pool, played limbo, musical chairs and stomp the balloon. The older kids played on Brianna's new wii and everyone seemed to have a great time. There were more adults than kids especially considering that Brianna and all her friends are now 20 years old. Crazy.

The saddest time of the evening had to come sooner or later and that is when we were all parting ways. My friend, Mike, and his kids are moving back to Minnesota and the kids don't want to go. I'm not sure Mike does either but financially it is the smart thing for him to do. The kids will adjust but it will be tough on them for a while. Half of their family lives in South Florida. Many tears were shed and lots and lots of hugs were given. Even today I feel a loss of what I consider to be my family as they have driven out and are already hours up the road. We all wish them the best.

Thanks to the girls for helping me clean up. It made this morning so much more relaxing. I have about 5 hours of homework to do today but even better than that...I am heading out for a double date. I've set a co-worker of mine up on a date with a guy I know and I'm hoping our lunchtime date goes great and they hit it off. I've never played matchmaker before...ever...so this should be quite interesting.

Except for exhaustion from yesterday and that darn homework, today should be a great day! What if they hit it off and end up dating? Or, of course, they may meet, not click, and go their separate ways. Either way is great...we should have a lot of fun seeing what the outcome is. :)

The Weekend

2010-06-10T06:54:00.002-04:00

Well, my daughter is turning 20 this weekend. Kind of blows me away. Where have 20 years gone? All I know is that through 20 years she has developed into the kind of person that she wants to be. She's headstrong, direct, morally focused, academically focused, smart, funny, and beautiful. Oh, and so much more than any of that...she cares...not just about herself but everyone else. She's amazing. So, in celebration of her birthday this weekend, we're having a big party at the new house.

Not only are we celebrating Brianna's birthday, but we are celebrating Adam's birthday...and sort of having a farewell party to Adam's family. My friend, Mike, and his three kids are moving back to Minnesota on Sunday, so Saturday will be our last chance to see them for probably a very long time.

Brianna and Adam share a birthday and upon talking to my neighbor I found out that they share that birthday with her husband so, what the heck, we invited them as well.

We're expecting around 35 - 40 people so we should have a house full and oh also, Tyler is dogsitting for a week for not one, but two dogs. Oh the joy never ends.

Saying farewell will be sad as I've known the kids since the minute they were born and even longer I've known Mike since around 1984. Mike lost his wife 4 years ago to cancer and will now move back home to the embrace of his family.

So, tonight we're all going shopping for the big day - Brianna's 20th birthday. I just still can hardly believe it.

The Importance of a Pillow

2010-05-14T23:24:00.003-04:00

So, today I hosted my Reading Celebration at school. It was an amazing experience. In December I hosted about 70 kids that met the criteria to attend. This semester about 113 qualified up from the 70 in December. We went shopping to get prizes this week for the celebration and one of the things I decided to pick up as a prize was a pillow. A normal $6.00 bed pillow from Wal-mart. I was asked why I was buying that as a prize. I work with over 800 kids and I know for a fact that sometimes, some of them sleep on the floor and of the 113 kids that qualified, at least one of them will want this new bed pillow. I also bought men's and women's socks as some of the prizes. Brand new packages of socks. So, as the Reading Celebration got underway and I began to draw names for winners to come up and select any prize they wanted from the table, one young man came up and embraced the pillow as his. I asked him if that was what he really wanted out of all the prizes: footballs, soccer balls, basketballs, tennis balls, posters, candy, and more. This young man chose a new bed pillow. I waited until later after all of the chaos had passed and took time to reflect and my eyes filled with tears. 113 kids and every single name was drawn and awarded a prize of their choice along with a certificate of achievement which included free food coupons to a local restaurant. Out of 113 kids it is noted that at least one kid wanted that brand new bed pillow and then I couldn't help but wonder...how many more wish they could have picked that prize? Perhaps next fall when I plan the celebration again, I'll get two of them and who knows...maybe more. My prize picking partner that provided moral support and muscle pushing the cart couldn't understand why I'd buy a pillow or socks, but tonight as I shared that story about the joy each child took away with their prize, he understood. I told the story more than once tonight and at least a few times it brought a smile and a tear of understanding of what it is like to work with kids.

I can honestly say that serving in my job is an honor. Kids allow me an opportunity to help them and to have a say and middle school kids are not the easiest kids to find a way to reach. Today, though, I reached some kids and better than that...they reached me.

Friday Night

2010-05-14T23:17:00.003-04:00

It's Friday night and I'm up late
Contemplating life and death and fate

It's Friday night and I just got home
Wondering if life is where I just came from

It's Friday night and I'm wide awake
Wondering what on earth it will take

-

To quiet this mind that never stops thinking

Sometimes

2010-05-13T16:54:00.003-04:00

Sometimes...
We sink like stones
Into a watery pit of bones

Sometimes...
We run around in a hurry
Waiting for our trial by jury

A jury of one, the one we miss
Waiting on some sign of forgiveness

Our heart aches as we remember
Each month from January through December

Sometimes...
We deserve everything that we get
The good and the bad that makes us fret

Sometimes...
We think we are entitled to it all
These thoughts come just before the fall

Place Settings

2010-04-21T22:23:00.002-04:00

After you've come through hell you are finally able,
To see the fine things God has placed upon your table.