Life as I know it...

I'm sitting here on the couch this morning with my hot cup of coffee with the creamer that I enjoy being addicted to. I guess there are worse addictions. I went to bed not feeling good with a headache and the start of a sore throat. I have awakened feeling the same way. I just emailed Tyler's counselor about his senior year classes and while hitting send on the email it hit me. One day in the not too distant future, Tyler and Brianna are going to move out. I talk about it. I even joke about it how I'll use one of their rooms as an office and one as an exercise room. The reality of the situation though is that the thought of it makes me so sad that I want to cry. I can't imagine them not being here. My fridge and cupboards are full of junk food and baked ziti and homemade cookies. I love to cook for them. When they are gone what will be left? Yogurt and strawberries? Let us not forget the cheese - another addiction slightly worse than the first one I mentioned.

I go to bed alone and I wake up alone...but sooner or later the kids get up. The house becomes the noisy, talkative, video game playing, movie watching place that I love so much. What will happen when they aren't here to get up and hang out? What happens when someone no longer needs me to cook for them? The stark reality of the fact that my kids are turning 21 and 18 this year kind of frightens me. Oh, there is slight joy hidden in the back but moreso than that is a fear of what life will be like if they aren't around needing me. I would say that is probably a flaw of mine: I like to be needed. Not sure why. Another session perhaps.

I signed Ty up for his ACT last night and helped him look over the college pre-requisites for the program he is looking at (with my encouragement). He's having to grow up a little more this week. I've taken away his electronics until he shows some motivation for something other than his electronics. He needs to land a part-time job and he needs to do what is asked without being asked 3 or 4 times. This week has been a transitional week for him. I came home yesterday and he was out cleaning up fallen tree debris in the yard and he mowed the grass. He actually noticed that it needed to be mowed. His friend gave him an ACT study guide since he is done with it and told him since he is grounded from electronics this would be a good time for him to use the study guide. I couldn't help but laugh to myself.

Oh well, off to finish my coffee and get ready for work. I won a jeans day at work so jeans it is. I hate Thursdays for at least 6 more weeks. After that I will finish this second master's degree. I've already passed the Florida Educational Leadership Exam so certification is on the way. Life is good but some days it just feels a little too busy and I long for a rainy weekend curled up on the couch watching movie after movie with little else in mind.

Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I've thought about this one for quite some time. I realized that there is only one answer to this.

Myself. I made my own life hell.

It would be easy to blame it on someone else but the bottom line is I am the one that stayed. I stayed for love. I stayed for chemistry. I stayed because I thought it would get better. I stayed because I thought he'd change. I thought he'd see how great we were together...how we fit together like we were formed in the same mold. I thought he'd want to marry me. I thought he wanted to raise our kids together. I thought he wanted to take me away. I thought and I thought and I thought...and I dreamed some damn good dreams.

I kept myself in this hell for over a year after we broke up. I thought for six months that he was off working on himself and that he'd come back for me. That was until that December day that I saw her in the car with him...in my place. The same one I knew he'd been talking to...and it turned out to be the one he married. He moved on...I didn't. I couldn't. I was supposed to be with him. It's that line of thinking that tortures the mind and the soul.

I'm the one that made my own life hell. Only me...and I take full responsibility for it.

Someone who has made your life worth living for

That's an easy one...Brianna and Tyler.

Something you hope you never have to do

That's an easy one to answer. Late this afternoon I drove Brianna to the airport as she planned on hopping a flight to Atlanta and then to Philadelphia. Philadelphia was hit with a blizzard yesterday and I did not think she should go. My dad also did not think she should go just purely for safety's sake. She is an adult at 20 years old I could have put my foot down and demanded that since she live at home she follow my wishes and not go, but the bottom line is that she is a young lady in love with a grown man who serves our country. I don't think there was much that would have stopped her from going. She just texted me and let me know she made her connection. She also has to call me when she lands in Philadelphia and also when they arrive safely at his mom's house. I'm sure it will all be fine...but this brings to the forefront the one thing I hope I never ever have to do. I don't ever want to have to bury one of my children...like my own parent's have had to do. I pray the Lord takes me first.

Merry Christmas, Brett!

Today we took my parents down to the beach to wish my brother, Brett, a Merry Christmas. We went to 4th Avenue South where his ashes were spread in the Mangroves last year. It's hard to believe another year has passed without him...but here we are. My mom cried and I held her hand. She said it never gets any easier. I only know that losing a sibling is the hardest thing I've been through and I cannot and don't ever want to fathom what it is like to lose a child.

This has been one of the most relaxing holidays I've had in years.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and hope your holiday is equally as wonderful!

Midnight and then some

Okay, it's 12:30 a.m. and I'm home on the couch with my laptop. My parents are asleep in my room, as usual, I gave the room up for them and I sleep on the couch. Christmas is just around the corner and as much as I don't like giving up my king size bed I have to admit that my parents and I are having a great visit. The get together the other night was a blast when I had a few friends over to hang with mom and dad.

I look at every moment with them at this point as borrowed time. Some days when I talk to them they both seem great and other times they seem like they are just getting by physically and they worry me beyond belief. Already having lost Brett, I just cannot imagine at all losing one of my parents. I take this time that they offer on their visit and I soak it up like a sponge. I listen to every word my dad says: his advice, his laughter, his thoughts on my new puppy and how he can help me fix the fence so she won't get out. I listen to my mom talk about the neighbors, her friends, and her aches and pains. I listen. I listen intently. I listen effortlessly because my heart is there where their words are coming out...in the present. I don't want to look back and wish I paid closer attention and got what dad was saying. I don't want to look back and wish I paid closer attention to my mom and what her doctor told her. Tonight as I arrived home from a party I walked into my house where Brianna was waiting up for me and my parents were sound asleep. Ty was at his girlfriends and as I sit here typing, he arrives home hungry for lack of eating dinner.

My world is complete. My kids are safe at home, the puppy is in her crate. My parents are tucked in safely and the guy that loves me is across town resting peacefully after taking me to his office party. I had a great time and when I look back I can hardly believe that a year ago he took me to his office party and after only knowing each other for two weeks, he introduced me to them all as his girlfriend. He continues to be this kind of person. Someone that is thoughtful, kind, respectful, and so many wonderful things that sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure that I am really this lucky. He says he's the lucky one and who knows...it's just after midnight on the eve of Christmas eve and as I get ready to go to sleep I feel this joy and peace in my heart and for anyone that reads this...I hope you find the same.

Something you hope to do in your life

What happened to the words of your Father
What happened to your own confidence
How can you look at yourself with
anything other than indifference

Did you wonder where it went
after you lost it all
Can you ever replace that feeling
No matter how big or small

Of course not...you can't
It's an impossibility
It was not something simple,
replaceable...it was indeed a rarity

So, something I hope to do
I'd like to forget about you
The pain you brought to my world
back when I thought I'd be your girl

I'd like to forget it all...
But I can't.