Truth of It All

Tonight I sit here pondering life like I do so often. I should be preparing for summer school as tomorrow is the kids' first day. I'll know by the end of the week if we have enough kids that I'll work for six weeks and if not, I guess I'll lay by the pool and read novels. So, anyway, I sit here pondering this whole dating scene. You email with people and they seem interesting enough and don't look like Shrek so you agree to meet for coffee. I've done this a few times over the last few weeks. I walk away each time not caring if I hear from the person again. It's not that they aren't cute. It's not that they aren't nice, smart, funny, interesting guys. The problem is on my end. I'm looking for some kind of connection. Some connection I had in a past relationship where my heart beat faster when my phone rang and I knew it was him. When I couldn't wait to get near him again so I could feel his arms around me. I want that feeling back again but I don't want the toxicity that went with it.

So, I search for that feeling that when I walk away at the end of the first date I get in the car and think to myself, "God I hope that guy calls me again." I'm learning to be tactful when asked out for a second date that I know I don't want to go on. It's so hard. I've yet to feel this way but I won't give up so soon. I think it can take time. I just thought of something as I'm typing this. Maybe it's not about the end result but about the ride of meeting new people and making friends.

Some of my friends think I'm brave for trying. Some say they live vicariously through me and my stories. Some of my married friends wish they were single with the freedom I have. At the end of the day all I have ever longed for since I left my marriage is a passionate relationship to share with someone I love. By passionate I mean passion for life, for love, for each other. I sit and ponder tonight wondering if I will ever feel that breathless feeling again. If I will even know it when it hits.

Some days I feel like I'm still catching my breath from a few years back. Letting go of a relationship that you never wanted to end makes it really hard to commit to a new one. It's hard not to compare, not to remember. That relationship wasn't a bed of roses and sometimes I realize that I romanticize the past but then I snap out of it and remember the truth of it all.