It Feels Like That

Pouring rain pounding upon your skin,
You ran out but should you run back in?
The puddle of decisions you just can't make...
It feels like that.

His lips touched yours and you felt so alive,
Without that in your life, can you survive?
You wonder this question every day...
It feels like that.

She said, "Yes," and the date's been set,
How high of a feeling can one get?
I know how she feels, like when he asked me...
It feels like that.

There is more to do but the clock says "bed,"
There are pages unturned yet to be read.
I'm dying to know if they end up together...
It feels like that.

The boy sounds it out, the boy can read,
He looks at the ceiling with eyes that plead,
"Help me, God, get better at this"...
It feels like that.

Standing at the kitchen sink the dishes call,
Water runs gently over a manmade fall,
Strong and demanding his arms wrap me in...
It feels like that.

He pulls me away and the fireworks flare,
Bursting lights filling up the air,
Breathe in, breathe out...
It feels like that.

Truth of It All

Tonight I sit here pondering life like I do so often. I should be preparing for summer school as tomorrow is the kids' first day. I'll know by the end of the week if we have enough kids that I'll work for six weeks and if not, I guess I'll lay by the pool and read novels. So, anyway, I sit here pondering this whole dating scene. You email with people and they seem interesting enough and don't look like Shrek so you agree to meet for coffee. I've done this a few times over the last few weeks. I walk away each time not caring if I hear from the person again. It's not that they aren't cute. It's not that they aren't nice, smart, funny, interesting guys. The problem is on my end. I'm looking for some kind of connection. Some connection I had in a past relationship where my heart beat faster when my phone rang and I knew it was him. When I couldn't wait to get near him again so I could feel his arms around me. I want that feeling back again but I don't want the toxicity that went with it.

So, I search for that feeling that when I walk away at the end of the first date I get in the car and think to myself, "God I hope that guy calls me again." I'm learning to be tactful when asked out for a second date that I know I don't want to go on. It's so hard. I've yet to feel this way but I won't give up so soon. I think it can take time. I just thought of something as I'm typing this. Maybe it's not about the end result but about the ride of meeting new people and making friends.

Some of my friends think I'm brave for trying. Some say they live vicariously through me and my stories. Some of my married friends wish they were single with the freedom I have. At the end of the day all I have ever longed for since I left my marriage is a passionate relationship to share with someone I love. By passionate I mean passion for life, for love, for each other. I sit and ponder tonight wondering if I will ever feel that breathless feeling again. If I will even know it when it hits.

Some days I feel like I'm still catching my breath from a few years back. Letting go of a relationship that you never wanted to end makes it really hard to commit to a new one. It's hard not to compare, not to remember. That relationship wasn't a bed of roses and sometimes I realize that I romanticize the past but then I snap out of it and remember the truth of it all.  

Brianna's 21

Can you believe it? Her birthday was last weekend but she was off visiting her fiance in Ft. Campbell...so today we celebrate!

Decisions, Decisions

You know...sometimes you meet someone and it seems "Oh so great," and then after some time goes by you realize the greatness is the newness of the situation and each person settles into who they really are. I'm active, can't sit down, and hardly ever stop thinking and planning. I thought for quite some time that I found someone who could keep up with me. I was wrong and tonight I'm feeling the sadness of ending something that seemed really great...but still I found it doesn't really meet my needs.

I've wavered on this decision for a while trying to figure out if it's just me or if it's just us and I finally realized it doesn't matter. It's just not exactly what I'm looking for and I don't feel at 47 that I'm ready to settle in to something that I am doubting. I think a relationship needs a certain chemistry or spark and so I will continue in my search.  

Even though he saw us together until death, I felt myself pulling away. I think I'm looking for someone that will grab my hand and take me on the road, travel, jet skiing, scuba diving, to sporting events and someone that has a passion for life and, most importantly, for me. I honestly don't even care most of the time what it is I'm doing...I just like to go do things.

So, as I sit here alone pondering the next step...

Thanks, friends, for listening to me this last week or so as I made my decision and followed through. I really appreciate the encouragement!

Selfish...Who Me?

So, Brianna and Will have decided to re-set the wedding date to what they originally talked about and deal with whether or not she is finished with school. This is exciting. She has wavered back and forth about transferring to UCF and finishing her bachelor's degree just to gain some different experience but unless he gets transferred there I think she will stay home and finish. But then again...who knows...she could change her mind again tomorrow. The cool thing is that she's allowed to. She doesn't really have to decide. The world won't end if she does or doesn't so she can take her time and figure it all out.

We are goin to FIU on Saturday to tour the college and see what Tyler thinks of the campus and the IT program there. I'm excited to go check it out. The USF visit a few weeks ago was great and I could definitely see him going there. I could also see him staying at home through his AA and then transferring somewhere else. At least he knows what he's interested in.

One day soon they'll both be on their way and some days I can hardly believe it.

I can't help but wonder what I'll be doing. I've finished this second master's degree and just submitted my paperwork for my last tuition reimbursement. I am considering actually reading a book for pleasure and not because it is required. I have a summer reading stack ready to go as soon as I get some time. I played catch up this weekend out in the yard doing some weeding and trying to tackle this crazy vine that is trying to infiltrate everything. I also finished up my portfolio and dropped it off at FGCU on Sunday so I should be totally finished with school work.

I need some relaxation in the chaise by my pool for some brain time because I am contemplating all kinds of interesting things at this point in my life. The oasis that is offered in my backyard provides this place for me that takes me away from the day-to-day grind.

I went to the gym after work today and found a different kind of solace. I worked out a little on the elliptical, biceps, triceps, the lat pull down machine (my favorite), and get this, I did 150 stomach crunches on that ab machine. I wonder how I'll feel in the morning. It's been way too long since I've taken this serious enough to make any headway and I'm thinking now I can get back into working out since I have finished school. So much to fit in on top of life and I find it easier if - well - if no one wants anything from me. It seems like my forties is a really good time to be a little selfish though I'm not really good at it, I am getting better.

I remember being called selfish in the past and I can't help but laugh because I am truly the farthest thing from it but I'll be damned if I'm not working on it!

Okay I think I'll Live

My clock went off at 6 a.m. and I seriously thought to myself...what the...am I doing? I'll tell you what I was doing. I was getting up and getting ready and not quitting before I got started on my first 5K. It would have been ssssssssooooooooooooo easy to stay in bed this morning and stretch across my king size and fall back asleep in the quiet morning...me and the dog...but instead I went with the peer pressure knowing they'd give me such crap if I bailed. I drove to the church and parked my car and wondered again why in the world any rational person would be up doing this. I saw people, old and young, getting out of their cars and then I felt like I couldn't bail out. I had to go. Police were stopping traffic on Goodlette if you needed to cross over to the equestrian center that this 5K was a fundraiser for. If you were one of the first hundred you received a t-shirt for your pain and misery. ha

We started and a friend of mine from school is in about the same shape I'm in so I thought for sure I'd be able to keep up with her but I was wrong. I ran as long as I could until it felt as though my lungs might collapse and then I told her to go ahead and I walked until I caught my breath. Catching your breath is a great feeling but it goes away quickly as soon as you start running again. As I'm going along I'm praying, "Please Lord don't let me be the last one in." Vain? Selfish? Ignorant? Whatever! This encouraging lady was stationed near the one mile marker telling me it was a beautiful morning and that I was doing great. At this point I'm traveling alone and a speedwalker passed me. Not sure exactly what that is saying but I just kept on going. I mean, seriously...she was going really fast. Really fast!

When I hit the halfway mark some nice guy handed me a cup of water...I thought I was in love. When I hit almost the two mile mark I got a terrible charlie horse in my left calf and thought I was going to have to drag that leg across the finish line. I looked down the side streets wondering if there was a shortcut I could take back. Bad? Perhaps. Good idea? Perhaps? Necessary? No. I just kept right on going. It took a good half mile to get that pain to go away and the pain under my rib cage had already come and gone. Thirst was a distant thought and I was grateful for the shade.

The kind police officer around the 2 mile mark was sweet. The guy that came riding on his bike from the opposite direction to check on our progress was nice and told me I was doing a good job. The encouragement caused me to pick up my pace. My arms and legs felt like lead but I kept moving. Pretty soon I heard someone say, "Half mile to go." I thought, "I can do this." Then I saw a guy friend from my school and one of our students running back to get me. They encouraged me and told me I was doing great for my first time and I started running again. As I neared the finish line with them I heard someone yell, "Come on Hanson." I picked up the pace and crossed the line in just under 48 minutes. A terrible time but it was all mine. My prayers were answered I was far from the last one in but I was disappointed that I didn't do better. What was I thinking? I haven't run in forever and even when I did it was more of a walk/run. So, now at least I had a time. My friend that runs these all the time told me how he got started and that time is mine and mine alone and I am only competing against myself. Which leads into them all trying to get me to sign up for the one coming up in May. Lord, will I fall for this again? If I do can I beat my just under 48 time? Oh, so now I have a little motivation even though my legs hurt so bad right now I don't even want to get off of my couch. UUgghh! What would I give to have a garden tub to soak in or a hot tub? Anything! Everything! I'd give it all!

But I have neither so the couch will have to do.

Growing Up

Tyler came home last night from his first day on the new job and he looked so grown up. Khaki pants and a black polo shirt and his name tag with his name already permanently affixed. The week of no electronics paid off quickly...perhaps even too quickly because the minute he got his job, I gave his electronics back since that was the deal. He learned, though, that he would not find a job by sitting in the confines of his bedroom filling out job applications online but rather by getting out there after that initial step and then going into each location to ask for a manager and drop off a resume. I kept trying to explain to him how important it is to put a face with a name, look them in the eye, shake their hand. It paid off. His second day out he scored a manager meeting who called the next day for an interview. At the interview he was hired on the spot. Yeah, Tyler! He's growing up. When I think back abou the kids being little some days it seems like it was forever ago and other times like last night it seemed I was looking at this young man coming home from work but at the same time I was seeing this little boy running around the house in his Thomas the Train slippers bobbing to and fro. Where have the days gone?

Life as I know it...

I'm sitting here on the couch this morning with my hot cup of coffee with the creamer that I enjoy being addicted to. I guess there are worse addictions. I went to bed not feeling good with a headache and the start of a sore throat. I have awakened feeling the same way. I just emailed Tyler's counselor about his senior year classes and while hitting send on the email it hit me. One day in the not too distant future, Tyler and Brianna are going to move out. I talk about it. I even joke about it how I'll use one of their rooms as an office and one as an exercise room. The reality of the situation though is that the thought of it makes me so sad that I want to cry. I can't imagine them not being here. My fridge and cupboards are full of junk food and baked ziti and homemade cookies. I love to cook for them. When they are gone what will be left? Yogurt and strawberries? Let us not forget the cheese - another addiction slightly worse than the first one I mentioned.

I go to bed alone and I wake up alone...but sooner or later the kids get up. The house becomes the noisy, talkative, video game playing, movie watching place that I love so much. What will happen when they aren't here to get up and hang out? What happens when someone no longer needs me to cook for them? The stark reality of the fact that my kids are turning 21 and 18 this year kind of frightens me. Oh, there is slight joy hidden in the back but moreso than that is a fear of what life will be like if they aren't around needing me. I would say that is probably a flaw of mine: I like to be needed. Not sure why. Another session perhaps.

I signed Ty up for his ACT last night and helped him look over the college pre-requisites for the program he is looking at (with my encouragement). He's having to grow up a little more this week. I've taken away his electronics until he shows some motivation for something other than his electronics. He needs to land a part-time job and he needs to do what is asked without being asked 3 or 4 times. This week has been a transitional week for him. I came home yesterday and he was out cleaning up fallen tree debris in the yard and he mowed the grass. He actually noticed that it needed to be mowed. His friend gave him an ACT study guide since he is done with it and told him since he is grounded from electronics this would be a good time for him to use the study guide. I couldn't help but laugh to myself.

Oh well, off to finish my coffee and get ready for work. I won a jeans day at work so jeans it is. I hate Thursdays for at least 6 more weeks. After that I will finish this second master's degree. I've already passed the Florida Educational Leadership Exam so certification is on the way. Life is good but some days it just feels a little too busy and I long for a rainy weekend curled up on the couch watching movie after movie with little else in mind.

Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I've thought about this one for quite some time. I realized that there is only one answer to this.

Myself. I made my own life hell.

It would be easy to blame it on someone else but the bottom line is I am the one that stayed. I stayed for love. I stayed for chemistry. I stayed because I thought it would get better. I stayed because I thought he'd change. I thought he'd see how great we were together...how we fit together like we were formed in the same mold. I thought he'd want to marry me. I thought he wanted to raise our kids together. I thought he wanted to take me away. I thought and I thought and I thought...and I dreamed some damn good dreams.

I kept myself in this hell for over a year after we broke up. I thought for six months that he was off working on himself and that he'd come back for me. That was until that December day that I saw her in the car with him...in my place. The same one I knew he'd been talking to...and it turned out to be the one he married. He moved on...I didn't. I couldn't. I was supposed to be with him. It's that line of thinking that tortures the mind and the soul.

I'm the one that made my own life hell. Only me...and I take full responsibility for it.

Someone who has made your life worth living for

That's an easy one...Brianna and Tyler.