My friend and I went to spinning class again yesterday...it was my second class. I loved it as much as the first day. Today though, my leg muscles are a little bit sore!
I was so excited this morning as we drove to the airport to pick up Tyler and Brianna from their North Carolina vacation. The house felt very empty for a solid week...strange. But they are home safe and that is all that matters! They had a great time riding intertubes down the river as well as behind a boat their dad borrowed. Mike and the kids drove back from Minnesota and spent the better part of the week with the kids hanging out and having fun up there. They went to a big waterfall and Brianna took tons of pictures that I can't wait to see.
This week gave me a feel for what life will be like when the kids move out and I have to admit I missed them so very much. I kind of can't even imagine them not being here.
Yesterday I went to see the movie Inception. If you haven't seen it yet...go. It is a mind boggler and that's all I'll say. Just the computer graphics alone make it worth watching.
Ah, the house is back to normal...what a good feeling this is!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Spinning - Oh My
Well, this morning I got up bright and early and headed to my first spinning class. Let me just say that it was challenging both physically and mentally. I had a bite of breakfast prior to going and about ten minutes into the class I thought I was going to be sick. I talked to the instructor aftewards and she said to definitely eat prior to coming because you "can't drive on an empty tank."
We got there early and picked out our bikes and the instructor helped me get the seat to the right height, etc. The regular lights went out and then the black lights came on. The music started pounding and the peddling began. Fast, slow, stand up, sit down, position 1, position 2, and position 3. Seriously...ten minutes of this had me saying to myself, "You're going to throw up...you're going to throw up." Then I had to tell myself to stop talking that way to myself. Then I started saying, "You're NOT going to throw up." I slowed to a stop when the instructor yelled..."Don't stop peddling." I knew this wasn't cruelty being thrown across the room but rather for health reasons. If you are really exerting yourself and straining your muscles and then you just up and stop, your body can release lactic acid causing leg cramps so I kept peddling albeit a lot slower. A few minutes went by and I got my breath back and though at times it felt torturous at other times it was exhilerating and I couldn't believe I was actually doing it. The next thing I knew the instructor yelled...just two more songs. Wow, I couldn't believe I had made it through...this was incredible.
She mentioned when we first got there, not to judge spinning based on the first class but to come a couple times and then decide if you like it or not. I did really like it and have decided to go back again!
We got there early and picked out our bikes and the instructor helped me get the seat to the right height, etc. The regular lights went out and then the black lights came on. The music started pounding and the peddling began. Fast, slow, stand up, sit down, position 1, position 2, and position 3. Seriously...ten minutes of this had me saying to myself, "You're going to throw up...you're going to throw up." Then I had to tell myself to stop talking that way to myself. Then I started saying, "You're NOT going to throw up." I slowed to a stop when the instructor yelled..."Don't stop peddling." I knew this wasn't cruelty being thrown across the room but rather for health reasons. If you are really exerting yourself and straining your muscles and then you just up and stop, your body can release lactic acid causing leg cramps so I kept peddling albeit a lot slower. A few minutes went by and I got my breath back and though at times it felt torturous at other times it was exhilerating and I couldn't believe I was actually doing it. The next thing I knew the instructor yelled...just two more songs. Wow, I couldn't believe I had made it through...this was incredible.
She mentioned when we first got there, not to judge spinning based on the first class but to come a couple times and then decide if you like it or not. I did really like it and have decided to go back again!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Living Life in Reverse
Today I was reading some of my writings that I had printed, pulled down from my blog, and filed. They were writings from two years ago and were rife with pain and...well...more pain.
Some would say that our past makes us who we are today and I'm not sure I totally agree with that. Our past might help define who we've become but the reality of today is, we get to decide who we are. We aren't children being molded by our surroundings. We aren't slaves to a society of established norms that doesn't allow the freedom of expression.
Through a book I am reading I found myself posed with this question: Are you living your life in reverse?
You can interpret this question in as many different ways as there are people, but what the author of the book was referring to was "reliving" that same old pain over and over and over again.
This can be an easy thing to do...beat yourself up. The bottom line though is that this does no good. It doesn't change the past, and it won't change your future. You can try to numb yourself with any variety of things to make the pain go away but it won't work. The only way to make the pain go away is to feel it until you don't feel it anymore. Then you can finally look at yourself in the mirror and say, "It is done."
Some would say that our past makes us who we are today and I'm not sure I totally agree with that. Our past might help define who we've become but the reality of today is, we get to decide who we are. We aren't children being molded by our surroundings. We aren't slaves to a society of established norms that doesn't allow the freedom of expression.
Through a book I am reading I found myself posed with this question: Are you living your life in reverse?
You can interpret this question in as many different ways as there are people, but what the author of the book was referring to was "reliving" that same old pain over and over and over again.
This can be an easy thing to do...beat yourself up. The bottom line though is that this does no good. It doesn't change the past, and it won't change your future. You can try to numb yourself with any variety of things to make the pain go away but it won't work. The only way to make the pain go away is to feel it until you don't feel it anymore. Then you can finally look at yourself in the mirror and say, "It is done."
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Those Self-Help Books
I woke up this morning with a lot on my mind. I really have total strangers on my mind. I have listed a bunch of my textbooks on eBay to see if I can sell them and upon doing so I also decided to clean out some of those books on my bookshelf that have been collecting dust. The books I decided to clean out included a small collection of what would be considered self-help books.
I re-read these titles and it makes me sad to think about what I was going through when I needed these books and now I pass them on to some other women who find themselves in need of words in print because they can't seem to grasp direction from their own mind of what they should do, or perhaps like me their mind expresses loud and clear what needs done to preserve sanity, dignity, self-respect, soul...but you choose to ignore. So, as I was packaging up one of the books I flipped through the pages and read some of the sections that I had highlighted. One small section really stood out to me...even today. It was a section on why couples fight and the underlying reason is because there are unmet needs in the relationship. I laid here this morning reflecting back on the ending of the relationship that I never wanted to give up.
He had come back from a weekend away at Atlantic City and after a 20 or 30 minute ride home from the airport he told me the doctor had called him while he was in Atlantic City with the good news that his cancer had NOT returned. I asked him why he hadn't called me and shared that with me right after the doctor called so I didn't have to worry one minute longer than necessary. Ever since he'd been diagnosed with cancer all I'd done is pray for his healing and for our healing for that matter. Back to believing that everything happens for a reason I thought this was to be his turning point.
So, after we returned to my place I couldn't let it go. "How could you not call me to tell me to stop worrying...the cancer wasn't back?" Then this led to his comment, "I think we should just end this." Rather than downplaying the comment like I usually would I said, "I think you are right." And, well, in a nutshell...five years of wonder, learning, growing, traveling, having fun, laughing, curling up on the couch, watching movies, eating dinner at our favorite restaurant, and more came to a hard end.
Unmet needs? The root cause of fighting? I love how the author phrased it because I believe in relationships the author is spot-on. I have a need to be considered, loved, and respected. I do not have a need for someone not caring about my feelings, for someone to be in a relationship for five years with me and not consider me worthy of that important phone call. I realize now that if you are in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs, you have no business being in it.
Two years of reflection have netted me a new outlook. I won't be in a relationship that doesn't meet my needs or one that is emotionally/physically abusive. The self-help books are being shipped out to women in different states and I feel for those women. I hope they find some words within the books that bring comfort, but I hope they find the words within themselves that provide them freedom.
My phone still rings. I'm not sure why. I refuse to sink back down into the pain that answering the phone would bring. He's married - all the more reason he should not call. I've moved on and have learned to value the normalcy of my life with no fighting - all the more reason I should not answer. I think some people that come into our lives we get to hold in our hearts and love forever. We can love them forever and hold onto the dream and the memories, but also at the same time realize that it is not a possible reality.
So, off I ship the self-help collection. I no longer need them.
I re-read these titles and it makes me sad to think about what I was going through when I needed these books and now I pass them on to some other women who find themselves in need of words in print because they can't seem to grasp direction from their own mind of what they should do, or perhaps like me their mind expresses loud and clear what needs done to preserve sanity, dignity, self-respect, soul...but you choose to ignore. So, as I was packaging up one of the books I flipped through the pages and read some of the sections that I had highlighted. One small section really stood out to me...even today. It was a section on why couples fight and the underlying reason is because there are unmet needs in the relationship. I laid here this morning reflecting back on the ending of the relationship that I never wanted to give up.
He had come back from a weekend away at Atlantic City and after a 20 or 30 minute ride home from the airport he told me the doctor had called him while he was in Atlantic City with the good news that his cancer had NOT returned. I asked him why he hadn't called me and shared that with me right after the doctor called so I didn't have to worry one minute longer than necessary. Ever since he'd been diagnosed with cancer all I'd done is pray for his healing and for our healing for that matter. Back to believing that everything happens for a reason I thought this was to be his turning point.
So, after we returned to my place I couldn't let it go. "How could you not call me to tell me to stop worrying...the cancer wasn't back?" Then this led to his comment, "I think we should just end this." Rather than downplaying the comment like I usually would I said, "I think you are right." And, well, in a nutshell...five years of wonder, learning, growing, traveling, having fun, laughing, curling up on the couch, watching movies, eating dinner at our favorite restaurant, and more came to a hard end.
Unmet needs? The root cause of fighting? I love how the author phrased it because I believe in relationships the author is spot-on. I have a need to be considered, loved, and respected. I do not have a need for someone not caring about my feelings, for someone to be in a relationship for five years with me and not consider me worthy of that important phone call. I realize now that if you are in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs, you have no business being in it.
Two years of reflection have netted me a new outlook. I won't be in a relationship that doesn't meet my needs or one that is emotionally/physically abusive. The self-help books are being shipped out to women in different states and I feel for those women. I hope they find some words within the books that bring comfort, but I hope they find the words within themselves that provide them freedom.
My phone still rings. I'm not sure why. I refuse to sink back down into the pain that answering the phone would bring. He's married - all the more reason he should not call. I've moved on and have learned to value the normalcy of my life with no fighting - all the more reason I should not answer. I think some people that come into our lives we get to hold in our hearts and love forever. We can love them forever and hold onto the dream and the memories, but also at the same time realize that it is not a possible reality.
So, off I ship the self-help collection. I no longer need them.
Monday, July 19, 2010
A House is a Lot of Work
Owning a house means a lot of work. This morning I was laying in bed thinking about everything (past, present, and future) and nothing (meaning moments of serious nothingness) when I received a phone call from my handyman. Kenny had some options to lay out for me on my doors that need replaced and I listened and wrote everything down and told him I'd get back to him. Fiberglass doors, fiberglass doors with wood edges, steel doors, wood doors...ah the list goes on making my mind wonder what is the best option.
I wish my dad lived closer so I could pick his brain about all of this stuff...door choices. But I guess if I figured out how to get bids on a roof and hire a roofer, get the entire house with new carpet and tile, paint the whole place inside and out with family and friends, then I can figure out what doors to buy. While being the one to constantly make every decision can be empowering, it can also be exhausting.
After the doors, the next big project on this house that I want to tackle is the pool deck. I have not started looking into my options yet so if you know anyone that can make a nice pool deck, leave me a note!
Tyler and I will be mowing and weedeating today. Then off to buy lava rock to re-do those flower beds. There is something about sweating your ass off while working outside that is good for the soul. :)
I wish my dad lived closer so I could pick his brain about all of this stuff...door choices. But I guess if I figured out how to get bids on a roof and hire a roofer, get the entire house with new carpet and tile, paint the whole place inside and out with family and friends, then I can figure out what doors to buy. While being the one to constantly make every decision can be empowering, it can also be exhausting.
After the doors, the next big project on this house that I want to tackle is the pool deck. I have not started looking into my options yet so if you know anyone that can make a nice pool deck, leave me a note!
Tyler and I will be mowing and weedeating today. Then off to buy lava rock to re-do those flower beds. There is something about sweating your ass off while working outside that is good for the soul. :)
Friday, July 16, 2010
Boating Trip
Our day out on the water last month was like a dream. After just one day on the water, we came back feeling like we had all been on vacation. The day could only be described as: perfection. Marlene is here holding a horseshoe crab shell. Interestingly we found a perfect line of horseshoe crab shells from smallest to largest...like a little family. Check this out!
We drove down off of Marco and saw the Dome Home in ruins. The strangest thing is that years ago I had a newspaper article cut out on this home that showed the before and after pictures. The original photo showed the house prior to the storms and beach errosion. If you search online there are many articles and additional photos of this place. It is a really interesting story. The place is apparently a big hang out with boaters and there is all kind of graffiti written on the interior walls. This was one that caught my eye. I don't think of this quote and really think just about this house, but rather ones own heart. In relationships sometimes we do thoughtlessly tear down another's walls and leave ruins behind.
Friday, July 9, 2010
2 year Break-Up-Aversary
Well, today is July 9th, 2010. It was two years ago today that Nick and I parted ways. Just reflecting on how something that started so great could end so wrong.
I believe in life that everything happens for a reason and in reflection I believe that I came out of that relationship as a more confident and content woman.
In the last year and a half I have worked on a second master's degree and have two classes remaining to complete it. This will open up additional career avenues in the realm of education.
I have recently met the nicest man who treats me better than anyone else ever has.
My kids are doing wonderful. Brianna is heading into her third year of college and Tyler will be a junior in high school.
Life is good, in fact, life is great. Occasionally though, one can't help but think back to the times in between the bad ones and reminisce about what you thought would be...though it never will.
I believe in life that everything happens for a reason and in reflection I believe that I came out of that relationship as a more confident and content woman.
In the last year and a half I have worked on a second master's degree and have two classes remaining to complete it. This will open up additional career avenues in the realm of education.
I have recently met the nicest man who treats me better than anyone else ever has.
My kids are doing wonderful. Brianna is heading into her third year of college and Tyler will be a junior in high school.
Life is good, in fact, life is great. Occasionally though, one can't help but think back to the times in between the bad ones and reminisce about what you thought would be...though it never will.
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