Something you hope you never have to do

That's an easy one to answer. Late this afternoon I drove Brianna to the airport as she planned on hopping a flight to Atlanta and then to Philadelphia. Philadelphia was hit with a blizzard yesterday and I did not think she should go. My dad also did not think she should go just purely for safety's sake. She is an adult at 20 years old I could have put my foot down and demanded that since she live at home she follow my wishes and not go, but the bottom line is that she is a young lady in love with a grown man who serves our country. I don't think there was much that would have stopped her from going. She just texted me and let me know she made her connection. She also has to call me when she lands in Philadelphia and also when they arrive safely at his mom's house. I'm sure it will all be fine...but this brings to the forefront the one thing I hope I never ever have to do. I don't ever want to have to bury one of my children...like my own parent's have had to do. I pray the Lord takes me first.

Merry Christmas, Brett!

Today we took my parents down to the beach to wish my brother, Brett, a Merry Christmas. We went to 4th Avenue South where his ashes were spread in the Mangroves last year. It's hard to believe another year has passed without him...but here we are. My mom cried and I held her hand. She said it never gets any easier. I only know that losing a sibling is the hardest thing I've been through and I cannot and don't ever want to fathom what it is like to lose a child.

This has been one of the most relaxing holidays I've had in years.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and hope your holiday is equally as wonderful!

Midnight and then some

Okay, it's 12:30 a.m. and I'm home on the couch with my laptop. My parents are asleep in my room, as usual, I gave the room up for them and I sleep on the couch. Christmas is just around the corner and as much as I don't like giving up my king size bed I have to admit that my parents and I are having a great visit. The get together the other night was a blast when I had a few friends over to hang with mom and dad.

I look at every moment with them at this point as borrowed time. Some days when I talk to them they both seem great and other times they seem like they are just getting by physically and they worry me beyond belief. Already having lost Brett, I just cannot imagine at all losing one of my parents. I take this time that they offer on their visit and I soak it up like a sponge. I listen to every word my dad says: his advice, his laughter, his thoughts on my new puppy and how he can help me fix the fence so she won't get out. I listen to my mom talk about the neighbors, her friends, and her aches and pains. I listen. I listen intently. I listen effortlessly because my heart is there where their words are coming out...in the present. I don't want to look back and wish I paid closer attention and got what dad was saying. I don't want to look back and wish I paid closer attention to my mom and what her doctor told her. Tonight as I arrived home from a party I walked into my house where Brianna was waiting up for me and my parents were sound asleep. Ty was at his girlfriends and as I sit here typing, he arrives home hungry for lack of eating dinner.

My world is complete. My kids are safe at home, the puppy is in her crate. My parents are tucked in safely and the guy that loves me is across town resting peacefully after taking me to his office party. I had a great time and when I look back I can hardly believe that a year ago he took me to his office party and after only knowing each other for two weeks, he introduced me to them all as his girlfriend. He continues to be this kind of person. Someone that is thoughtful, kind, respectful, and so many wonderful things that sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure that I am really this lucky. He says he's the lucky one and who knows...it's just after midnight on the eve of Christmas eve and as I get ready to go to sleep I feel this joy and peace in my heart and for anyone that reads this...I hope you find the same.

Something you hope to do in your life

What happened to the words of your Father
What happened to your own confidence
How can you look at yourself with
anything other than indifference

Did you wonder where it went
after you lost it all
Can you ever replace that feeling
No matter how big or small

Of course not...you can't
It's an impossibility
It was not something simple,
replaceable...it was indeed a rarity

So, something I hope to do
I'd like to forget about you
The pain you brought to my world
back when I thought I'd be your girl

I'd like to forget it all...
But I can't.

Something you have to forgive someone for

I need to forgive my ex-husband, Dean, for his alcohol addiction.

I need forgive Nick for being abusive emotionally, verbally, and at the end, physically. As he spouted change and said I was the only one that didn't see his changes, the abuse got worse. There was change alright...just not the kind it takes to make a successful relationship. Ending this relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life...because even though someone has some really bad qualities you can also love their good qualities until it becomes your own undoing.

I forgive you both - though this forgiveness may not be needed by you.

Something you had to forgive yourself for

I had to forgive myself for breaking up my 17 year marriage and tearing my family apart. I have had to continue to forgive myself for keeping myself in a toxic relationship that slowly tore me apart and had a negative impact on my kids.

Oh, and today was my birthday!

Today I turned 47 years old. I admit that I'm not in a place today that I figured I'd be when I turned 40. At 39 years of age I met a man that I thought was the answer to my dreams. I wanted to share the rest of my life with him. I wanted to marry him and raise our kids together. I wanted to travel and laugh and well, all of the good stuff...with him. Now, it has been 7 1/2 years since I left my marriage and 7 1/2 years of growth and working through a learning process that made me realize that just because you have this immense chemistry with someone and love them with every ounce of your being doesn't mean they are worthy of your love. Someone has to respect you enough to be worthy of your love and if they don't...you aren't allowed to give it to them. See? Another year wiser. So, another year has passed. What do Jimmy Buffett and Martina McBride sing about?

Trip Around the Sun

Hear 'em singing Happy Birthday
Better think about the wish I made
This year gone by ain't been a piece of cake
Every day's a revolution
Pull it together and it comes undone
Just one more candle and a trip around the sun

Chorus:

I'm just hanging on while this old world keeps spinning
And it's good to know it's out of my control
If there's one thing that I've learned from all this living
Is that it wouldn't change a thing if I let go

No, you never see it coming
Always wind up wondering where it went
Only time will tell if it was time well spent
It's another revelation
Celebrating what I should have done
With these souvenirs of my trip around the sun

(Chorus)
Yes, I'll make a resolution
That I'll never make another one
Just enjoy this ride on my trip around the sun
Just enjoy this ride ...
Until it's done

Tonight I finish up my birthday. Thanks for the calls...each and every one of them. Some brought laughter while others brought tears. I look forward to many more. Hopefully they will all be relatively calm like this one. Full of hope, goodness, and joy.  

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

God, I've been staring at this for about 10 minutes and nothing has come to me. And then five things came to me. And nothing worth writing could my mind settle on. Things like the fact that I gave birth to two wonderful kids...but that isn't really about me. Things like I loved someone so much that I lost myself. Things like I've learned to have a balanced life. Or, I'm pretty damn smart. It's not any one thing and I don't mean this to sound like I'm all about me, but I guess I could just say that I love myself. I love that I'm honest, I don't cheat, I love hard, and I don't give up easy. I love the fact that I attract some really great friends into my life and without them I wonder what the heck I'd do somedays! I love you all far more than I love myself! For you all, I'm so very grateful!

Day 1 Something you hate about yourself

I hate the fact that I can't seem to say no to people. Oh, did I just say that?

30 Days of Truth

Okay, Marlene. You started this back around October and I figure I'll pick up and give it a try.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.


Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Lyrics

Someday

How the hell did we wind up like this
Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables

I wish you'd unclench your fists
And unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
Dont think its too late

Nothin's wrong
just as long as
you know that someday I will
Someday, somehow
gonna make it allright but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)

Someday, somehow
gonna make it alright but not right now
I know you're wondering when
 
Sometimes song lyrics hit me hard. This Nickelback song has always hit me and tonight I heard it again.

Bella Noche

This is Bella.

Comfort

I have hit this unbelievable level of comfort in my life. Not financially but emotionally.

Last night my kids, one of their friends, and my guy all came over to put the lights on our tree and decorate it. A few days before Tyler and I went to our typical pick a tree place "Home Depot" to get a tree. We took our new puppy, Bella, with us. She was tiny and fit in my coat popping her head up so strangers could ooh and aahh over her. She loves being at our house with a fenced in backyard where she can run around investigating everything imaginable. Never mind she's peed here and there as I work to train her and today she sort of ate my favorite black heels...but I still love her. So, anyway, Tyler and I were there struggling to pick out a tree since Brianna has had to work so much and could not join us we decided to go a sort of unconventional route. We decided on the type of tree and then we decided not to cut the ties open and look at it. We decided this year we were going to "take a chance." So, off we went with our "take a chance" tree in the back of his little truck. We got home and he cut it open and banged it so all the dead stuff would fall off. He and I got it in the house and put it in the stand. We stood back and admitted that it was probably the nicest tree we've had in 7 years which is how long we've been getting a real tree. It almost touches our ceiling and it is very full. With all of the lights and decorations on it I sat back and smiled. It was a peaceful evening of joy and laughter. No one fighting, no one is jealous, no one is angry. There is just peace in my house. This is the best present I could ever have.