Those Self-Help Books

I woke up this morning with a lot on my mind. I really have total strangers on my mind. I have listed a bunch of my textbooks on eBay to see if I can sell them and upon doing so I also decided to clean out some of those books on my bookshelf that have been collecting dust. The books I decided to clean out included a small collection of what would be considered self-help books.

I re-read these titles and it makes me sad to think about what I was going through when I needed these books and now I pass them on to some other women who find themselves in need of words in print because they can't seem to grasp direction from their own mind of what they should do, or perhaps like me their mind expresses loud and clear what needs done to preserve sanity, dignity, self-respect, soul...but you choose to ignore. So, as I was packaging up one of the books I flipped through the pages and read some of the sections that I had highlighted. One small section really stood out to me...even today. It was a section on why couples fight and the underlying reason is because there are unmet needs in the relationship. I laid here this morning reflecting back on the ending of the relationship that I never wanted to give up.

He had come back from a weekend away at Atlantic City and after a 20 or 30 minute ride home from the airport he told me the doctor had called him while he was in Atlantic City with the good news that his cancer had NOT returned. I asked him why he hadn't called me and shared that with me right after the doctor called so I didn't have to worry one minute longer than necessary. Ever since he'd been diagnosed with cancer all I'd done is pray for his healing and for our healing for that matter. Back to believing that everything happens for a reason I thought this was to be his turning point.

So, after we returned to my place I couldn't let it go. "How could you not call me to tell me to stop worrying...the cancer wasn't back?" Then this led to his comment, "I think we should just end this." Rather than downplaying the comment like I usually would I said, "I think you are right." And, well, in a nutshell...five years of wonder, learning, growing, traveling, having fun, laughing, curling up on the couch, watching movies, eating dinner at our favorite restaurant, and more came to a hard end.

Unmet needs? The root cause of fighting? I love how the author phrased it because I believe in relationships the author is spot-on. I have a need to be considered, loved, and respected. I do not have a need for someone not caring about my feelings, for someone to be in a relationship for five years with me and not consider me worthy of that important phone call. I realize now that if you are in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs, you have no business being in it.

Two years of reflection have netted me a new outlook. I won't be in a relationship that doesn't meet my needs or one that is emotionally/physically abusive. The self-help books are being shipped out to women in different states and I feel for those women. I hope they find some words within the books that bring comfort, but I hope they find the words within themselves that provide them freedom.

My phone still rings. I'm not sure why. I refuse to sink back down into the pain that answering the phone would bring. He's married - all the more reason he should not call. I've moved on and have learned to value the normalcy of my life with no fighting - all the more reason I should not answer. I think some people that come into our lives we get to hold in our hearts and love forever. We can love them forever and hold onto the dream and the memories, but also at the same time realize that it is not a possible reality.

So, off I ship the self-help collection. I no longer need them.